他们说你长得象谁？

Open Letter to Prof. Shih Choon Fong, NUS President:

How to raise the revenue of NUS w/o raising school fees Here are some ways that NUS can raise money, without having to raise sch fees. Helps to save on the number of pigheads that you may need to hang outside poor students’ houses.

1. As a world-class university, we must go truely cashless, so every newly-matriculated student during medical checkup has to have a radio tag inserted under the skin. You can buy the tag @ $X and charge the student $5X, and conveniently bill it under admin fees. Every payment on campus would be done via this chip, and the monies would be conveniently deducted from the student’s giro acct. There is no need to send monthly statements, we are paperless too.. put everything online… let students check..never check means approve..
2. Convert all nus admin offices’ websites to PPV (Pay-Per-View). Every student has to login with their id b4 they can access information on their site. Load page 1 time 3 cents. Use cmi servers, like the one for CORS last yr, i like those.. totally unreliable. Remember, dun be a dumb ass and put all your info. Just put a bit as bait.
3. Bait for wat? of cos for them to call your 1900 hotlines lah.. OSA could be 1900-CALL-OSA, etc.. Then u would ask about the labour costs, no worries, outsource to bangladesh. Nevermind if they dunno about nus, they can learn.. whatever they dunno, better still..just take more time over the phone.. cals are at $1 per minute. 600,000 mins of talktime can get u 1 peanut.
4. Register ur modules via CORS online, on the phone line to be exact. 1900-MODULES. NUS being an international village, we should cater for different languages

   Welcome to the National University of Singapore’s Centralised Online Registration System 欢迎使用新加坡国立大学综合网上注册系统 [Malay] [Tamil] [Hindi] [French] [Japanese] [Italian] [Greek] For Italian, press 1 For German, press 2 : : For English, press 12

   And u press 12, it goes into italian 1st, remember waste more time = get more money
5. Every arts student would tell u that the walkway from Central Library to Arts canteen is damn packed during peak hours, just like how CTE-city is packed in morning and CTE-amk is packed in evening.. Remember the radio tag that you forced everyone to insert under skin? Set up ERP gantry along there lor, charge ppl 1 dollar to walk that stretch during peak hours.. dun wanna pay? can..just go down 1 floor n walk smokers’ alley, and get lung cancer. Or go walk along the road, and get lung cancer. Remember to say that the reason for implementing ERP is not to get more money but to “regulate usage”. After that you can set up gantries elsewhere too, like walkways n staircases in SRC during exam season, at UCC during commencement ceremonies.
6. IT age means computers and internet access easily available, so as a world class uni, you must have them for free usage. but they never say anything about making keyboards and mice avail. Rent them out for 3 bucks/hr.
7. Yet in another attempt to “regulate usage”, you can of course start payment for use of study rooms, at say YIH for example. Per second billing at 12 cents per min..cheaper than starhub mobile calls. Your tables must have weight sensors, so if any one rests head on table to sleep, the rate increase to 30 cents/min. See still got ppl dare to sleep n waste space in reading room or not. Same thing pay with radio tag when enterin and leaving room.
8. Sleepyheads can make use of the increased hall facilities, i mean, surely we bought warren not to build more halls for ppl to waste time on rag n flag rite..of cos they have to be for budget hotels! 2 hr block 50 dollars….u can do watever u want, sleep, mate, watch tv, screw, play games, have sex…u get the idea. Condoms machine is a must too… SDU offers cash grants if u can have a project where @ least 30 ppl of 6:4 (guys:gals) ratio are in close proximity. So you can organise *ahem* parties @ warren.
9. Replace your shuttle buses, every one of them with BMW Z4s World Class uni must have world class services, how can the comfort buses do for us? Assuming 1 bus sits 50, that makes 50 z4 per bus, and 50 drivers. You must be dreaming if the students can drive those cars, they wun come back with them, take gf with them in the car..then ur hotel 81 can close shop. Charge 10 bucks per ride. Bar all vehicles on campus, remove all sheltered-walkways and increase the chances that they will take ur z4.
10. Yet in another bid to “reduce wastage”, we have to ration toilet paper. That’s where ur radio tag comes in useful. It’s like ezlink payment, just that u would never forget to bring ur payment device unlike ur wallet, unless u chop off ur hand of cos.. so each time someone sits on toilet bowl and needs paper, all he needs to do is raise hand towards the paper roll.. *beep beep*, 3 pieces come out @ 10 cents. damn lelong liaoz ok. For external visitors, sorry hor..no chip no paper. Want chip go medical centre n buy for $10X.

Then dun be a stupid ass and do things like cutting professors salaries hor..